Institution!
22/08/24
Made this page as a sort of. Journal I suppose? Blog? Whatever. Today I got the lineup for a festival I've been waiting to go to for almost a year now since I missed last years one. Korn is going to be headlining and a few other bands that I really like. I'll update you with more infomation as the presale goes up.
I always wonder what people think of me. Specifically my interests. As you have probably noticed, my website is just true trime bullshit. I don't even really understand myself why I love this sort of stuff so much. I think i just find it comforting that these people have have the same sort of thoughts as me but they have... done things. Whatever. I just came home from work and goodness, my back hurts alot. I think all I really do at work is think about my girlfriend. I love working because it's just a thinking time for me really. I typically just brainstorm ideas for whatever project I'm working on. Lately it's song lyrics and or structure or the South Park boardgame I'm working on.
God, that scrolling blinkie bar is annoying me. I don't know how to remove it without completely fucking my whole site though. Blergh.
I keep forgetting to make sperate pages for my poetry and music things. I'm not too sure what to do with them really. Someone let me know how they think i should do it. Thanks.
23/08/24
I got news that the job I applied for will be going forward and I will have a phone interview on Monday. Excited! The circus is also in town at the moment. I thought about going but, I seems far to oexpensive for me to enjoy it.
25/08/24
I got a new journal today. Don't worry, I'll still update this page wether you care or not LOL. This will just be for me to jot down whatever thoughts. I haven't had a physical journal for about 3 months now? I prefer actually writing to typing. Feels more... Emotional. I suppose.
26/08/24
I'm in physics right now. I hate this class so much. I can't believe that I got switched out of advanced chemistry for this.
27/08/24
I think I'm losing my interest in life. I don't know. I swear everyday I somehow just fall deeper and deeper into my own little hole of disappointment. Or hate. I can't tell what is what anymore. It's almost impossible for me to enjoy my interests now. I can't stand the people around me. I cry myself to sleep almost every single night because I hate myself in every single aspect. My personality, my morality and most of all, my physicality. Nothing is sacred to me anymore. I don't feel happy, sad or angry anymore. I'm somehow inbetween everything. Constantly on the fence. I feel useless though I know that for sure. Weak and powerless. Constantly stuck in my memories and the perception of others. I don't know though. I don't fucking know anything anymore.
03/09/24
Not too sure what to update on. I don't even know if anyone reads this. I doubt that anyone regularly reads this. Well, eitherway I'll update it. In more postitive light, I had the in person interview for the job i mentioned earlier. The manager said that I'll most likeley get an email with some saftey modules that I have to complete and then I'll be on the roster. This will be good, I hope anyways. The pay is quite good so hopefully I'll be able to just... Enjoy myself and treat myself. Despite the job opportunity, I can't help but feel suicidal everyday. Not in a way where I want to do it but, in a conceptual way. I just wish I had died at my last attempt. I don't really understand why I called the ambulance eitherway. It's not like it came in the first place. I feel as if my mother didn't even care about it either. It was just a cry for attention anyways. Maybe I'm just going through that again. I have felt bitterly lonley as of late. But I don't know. I don't feel like I
04/09/24
I feel like I barely go to school anymore. I just see no use in it really. Not in a "Oh i'm no much smarter than everyone else way" but in a "What's the point of going somewhere where nothing matters in the long run" kind of way. Mostly everyone here is retarded anyways, as for my friends... Well, the people I would differ to 'consider' my "friends" are quite honestly socially retarded. Half of them are chronically online and then the others just can't take a hint of when to shut the fuck up. I think I have 2-3 actual "friends" here. But as long as they've kept me motivated to keep living as a whole, it's dwindling. I don't know how to re-spark my life anymore. Nothing entertains me, the music I loved doesnt do anything anymore, photography doesnt have any charm anymore becasue of A.I, I play the same games over and over again. I don't know. Nothing feels good anymore. I'm trying my best to keep up appearances to those around me but I just... Can't much longer. I have an appointment with the school wellbeing tomorrow. Usually in the past what... 6 years? That I've seen them I've basically lied through my teeth about things to not draw attention to myself and make things seems not as bad as they really are but this time, I'm going to just spill everything. It's not like I have anything to lose anymore. Last time I was primarily focused on not being taken away by DHS but Mom has a boyfriend now so that doesnt matter all that much. All I want in life is to bet better and not be such a melodramatic retard who can't stick to anything. Please just put me on medication, send me away to the ward, send me to my aunt's. Please. I just want to be fucking normal. No more of this suicidal ideation every single day. No more of this mass shooter obsession shit. No more hurting myself, No more crying myself to sleep. Please, I just can't fucking take it anymore.
09/09/24
Yo yo yo it's me!!! God I feel horrible. No new updates really. I saw beetlejuice with some close friends. It was okay I guess. It's hard to enjoy anything anymore without her around. Going to the city for a friends birthday soon, looking forward to that. Not much else to update on.
13/09/24
Happy Friday the 13th! They should honestly make this a holiday like halloween. Last year I watched the first movie with my Girlfriend but this year I am utterly alone so that's fun. I finished a painting that I've been working for afformentioned friend's birthday thats coming up. I think it looks alright. I mean, I've done better but I think he'll like it. On another note, I got prescribed with another medication for depression and anxiety. My Mom doesn't want me taking it but I'll pay for it myself and jsut pick it up before work so she can't find out. I need to get another blood test done though to check if my bullimia is killing me or something. I think just the lack of anything in my system lately has been severely effecting my panic attacks and schizo shite. Ughf. Living is so much fun! On top of that, I'm going through my bi-yearly fear of intamacy so that's cool. I don't know what's up with me it's almost like I just remember all of the horrible shit he did to me and get afraid it'll happen again and that I'm simply just not enough or in this case, good enough at performing. My apologies for being graphic, so you can skip this part if you'd like. I'll bold the first and last words of this segment so you can tell where to skip to. Honestly It's just making me depressed becasue the last 2-3 times I've been intimate I just wasn't... Feeling it? I don't know how to explain it. But regardeless of how I feel, I still just want to make my Girlfriend happy no matter the cost of my own wellbeing. Of course, I don't mean it in a negative way, and she is extrodanary in that department but It's just me being... Me? I really don't know. It's only sex. I can't tell if I like it and even so, what happens if I don't like it? Ugh. At least I know this is a phase so, it'll go away in a week or two. I'm really just used to being seen as an object to people and the guys who have had their way with me. I think it's just some sort of trauma response thing of my subconsious dealing with all of the bullshite. Again, apologies for the sexual frustration rant.
16/09/24
Hello! I've been feeling much better lately, I've recently started on a Pokemon Emerald challenge. The Professor Oak challenge. Basic premise: catch and evolve every single pokemon available before each gym.
24/09/24
Been a few days, god. I've been up and down actually. I went on that trip for my friends 16th to the city, we had a lot of fun! I've been terribly sick as of late so it was a bit of a struggle, lol. I had a really bad nosebleed at Five Guys. Like, really bad. I coughed up at least 3 big clots. Eitherway, I had fun! I've been thinking about making a movie for a good 2 years now but I really haven't had the right idea to make one off of. I would liek to make a half found footage and half prefessionally / ametuer shot thing like State's Evidence. I don't have a consistant topic idea for it though. I want it to feel 2000's esque or early 90's but it might be a bit hard. I don't really have the right friends at the moment that would want to help out with it either.
9/10/24
Hello! I've almost been on meds for a month now, feels really weird. I really havent been doing much. I think I'm going through a weird phase of getting overly obsessive with peopel that are close to me? not sure. I really enjoy them as a friend but i want to be as close to them as possible blergh. I already went through it with a friend, so I won't get too far into it here.